Engaged Marriages

Did you like the pun?

When I work with couples at any stage in their relationship the biggest issue tends to be a lack of engagement during the marriage. It's almost as though we put so much effort into dating and the wedding that we just float into marriage thinking that everything is where it needs to be.

Although I love to work with couples this is a major point of ignorance for most couples, including my wife and I when we first got married. Our dating life was awesome and we didn't run into any issues throughout our engagement and in the first couple of years of marriage but then we hit a snag that sounded a little like, "What now?"

Couples hit a wall for all sorts of reasons but what I am finding as I work with couples is that they each get into the relationship for one reason or another [not always for the best intentions] but while they were so caught up working on this thing they forgot to grow and develop as a couple; and, further, they forgot that they were not really two people anymore.

I am not going so far as to say that the couple must learn to "become one flesh" as we see in various forms of religious writing but this couple essentially becomes two persons in one entity. Insurance companies are making a single file for both people. Parenting decisions must be consistent. Finances become jointed. Other than these sometimes scary but otherwise normal events that periodically occur throughout a marriage there are times when you feel like roommates and ask, "What now?" Equally as often, physical and mental illness creep in or there is a job loss and you are forced to ask, "What now?"

To have a handle on some of these issues I would like to offer a marriage preparation and enrichment program right here in Pembroke open to all couples who are engaged to be married and to newlyweds as well. These 3 sessions will cover topics that I have seen appear in my office and other issues brought up by colleagues that will help keep you on track and hopefully enrich what is already there. The key points covered will be:

1. Remarriage and blended families: Remarriage comes with a lot of nervousness and blending families can be complicated.
2. Family of origin problems: Dealing with in-laws is no small task, especially when there is dysfunction in one or both families.
3. Mental health problems: Depression, anxiety, and more complicated mental illness are not personal problems.
4. Grief: Loss of a family member, miscarriage, and alike can devastate a marriage before the couple even has a chance to realize what is happening.
5. Physical health changes: Whether it be the effect of age or accident the body changes over time and we need to be aware of these changes.
6. Addictions: This is quickly becoming the focus of my marriage counselling. Pornography, drugs, alcohol, gambling, shopping... the list goes on... can all have a significant negative effect on marriage.
7. Infidelity: Sexual and emotional affairs are well known for causing marital distress and the decision to work through them is complicated.
8. Lifestyle changes: Moving to a new area, career change, job loss, becoming parents, debt, and alike are well known for changing the marriage dynamic.
9. Communication problems: Conflict resolution, problem solving, and decision making are all heavily underestimated stress factors in marriage.
10. Parenting disagreements: Will you be authoritative, authoritarian, or lax in your parenting? Will curfews be enforced? What rewards and punishments will you use?
11. Not feeling the love: Marriages take work in order to stay "in love" and keep the fire going but each partner has different needs.

Location and dates to be determined.